Laughter. Breaking. Forth.
/Iʼm sitting at the bakery with my family. We have been out and about exploring the walking trails and the creek and generally just enjoying the beautiful, sunshiny day together. There have been some interesting discussions, super fun bantering back and forth and as you would expect with three boys, there has also been wrestling and pushing and shoving and, of course, plenty of hugs. The banter continues around the table and thereʼs much joy and laughter. My husband teases and jokes and I find myself let out a loud whoop of a laugh. It feels so good to laugh with such gusto! I found myself asking out loud:
“Why do we laugh the way we laugh?”
Everyone looks at me a bit strange and I realise this is the second conversation I have had about this in the last few days. I wonder. What do you think about this question?
In this moment, I reminisce and feel thankful for the wisdom and insight of my husband. As my life transitioned through winter and into a new spring, I battled against a chronic health condition that burdened my body with pain and sapped me of my energy and strength. During this time, I looked pain and grief full in the face - not just physical pain, but also the pain of loss and disappointment, some recent and some which had been long buried. I was aware that walking through this pain was right where God wanted me. I knew that while it didn’t seem like it, I was right in the middle of my breakthrough moment. A moment in which God was about to overwhelm me with His goodness and amaze me with His favour as I stepped into His joy. I just needed to hold onto Him as He walked me through it.
Somewhere in my journey I remember feeling like a whole community of people had never really seen me do life when I wasn’t navigating through grief. As I revisit that feeling, I find myself singing the lyrics of a song that resonated strongly with me during that time…
“You havenʼt seen me til youʼve seen me filled with joy”.
I sang it as though I was singing of myself. I desired to be filled to overflowing with joy!
Around the same time, my husband said to me, “Whereʼs your crazy laugh gone? I miss your laugh! I always knew you were in a room because I could hear you laughing.” He was right. Where had my crazy laugh gone? And how was I ever gonna get it back?
I started small. I knew that the Bible promises that “A joyful, cheerful heart brings healing to both body and soul” (Proverbs 17:22) and I resolved to choose joy amidst the pain. I thought about what makes me laugh and I made sure I included something every day that would help me laugh.
I started by watching one of my favourite television comedies. My husband bought me the box set and watched episode after episode with me. He is amazing!
I thought about the people in my world who knew me and loved me and who cheered me on and I deliberately made time to spend with them.
I thought about what I like to do and what energises me and I made time for that. I immersed myself in nature, took quiet walks and spent hours in contemplative prayer. I played the piano and enjoyed spontaneous songs of worship and crafted original songs just for fun. I dived deep into the Bible, going on long treasure hunts with God in His word and I got back to writing about what He was showing me. While the winter had felt long, I was now stepping into my spring.
I began to ask intentional questions again about who I am and my God-given purpose for being on this planet. I thought about my desires and my strengths. I thought about my childhood dreams. I put a vision board on my wall and as I explored all this with God… I displayed piece after puzzle piece….
Until I began to remember...
…and accept
…and wholeheartedly embrace
…who God says I am and what He has for me in my now and into my future.
I spent time articulating my why. I wrote new goals and strategies to help me walk into this new season. I already had written goals for each dimension of my life, but I was walking into a new day in a new time for a new place and I needed a different set...because when I tried on the old, they no longer fitted. Trying to make them work as I stepped into this new spring of hope, would be like trying to put new wine into an old wine skin.
And what about my values? I wanted to live a life authentic to what I professed to believe. I wanted to live courageously and whole-heartedly with integrity. The Lynelle that I presented to the world needed to line up with who I knew I was on the inside. And so I carefully chose my values... Creativity. Authenticity. Laughter. Magnanimity. I chose to live CALM.
So you see my laugh is a big part of embracing my authentic self.
But. Why?
I think about words to describe my laugh... I think of spontaneous and expressive and infectious...
I ask my family how they experience my laugh... I hear words like boisterous, hilarious, crazy and energetic (along with a few words Iʼm not writing here in this space!).
I ask some friends what words they would use to describe my laugh. One friend said, “So one laugh you have is like a big, hearty HA and you sort of tilt your head back and smile at the same time! Actually, that all sounds pretty funny!”
So. I. come. to. a. conclusion.
My laugh is a true and unbridled window into my soul...
My laugh is big, because I feel. DEEPLY. I hear God speak in many different ways, but sensing and feeling has always been the first and strongest way God has communicated to me. I am sure that sounds weird to some of you, but I also know that for others, as you read this, you find yourself sighing a big sigh and feeling overwhelmed with a huge sense of relief... I hear you exclaim under your breath, “I’m not the only one!”
As a result of this, I am not afraid of big emotions and Iʼm not afraid of exploring what they say about the state of my heart and the hearts of the people around me. I know that we are not be ruled by our emotions, but they are interesting story tellers if we take the time to listen. As I listen to the stories playing out around me, I ask God to tell me His version of the story. As I listen and feel His heart, I join Him in declaring the story that He is writing. I pray His will be done on earth as it is in heaven and I speak the words He asks of me. I bring what I sense and feel to the Father and allow His Spirit to lead and guide me as I pray.
Iʼm also aware that this sensing and feeling is sometimes misunderstood and people sometimes find me too intense, too sensitive, too emotional. I have had people, some very well meaning (and others not so much) tell me…
“You’ll become less emotional when God fixes you. When you allow God to heal your wounds.”
“You use tears as a tool to manipulate and control people and outcomes.”
I am aware that tears and high emotions can sometimes be indicators of these things.
I know that to grow in this prayer space, it is really important to allow God to keep renewing me and transforming me, so that I can hear Him more clearly. I ask God to search my heart and know me and to remove anything that would keep me from knowing Him more. I dearly want to know Him more. No matter the cost…
God is my life. sometimes itʼs hard to come out of the heavenly realm, where Godʼs presence is so tangible and real, with His mysteries swirling around me... I must admit there are times when the spirit realm seems more real than the earthly realm to me. Hearing the voice of God feels as vital as breathing. My passion is to be connected to the heartbeat of heaven AND to bring the reality of the kingdom of heaven to earth. My deepest heart desire is to hear what God is saying, see what God is doing and feel His heart toward us.
AND. I also know that:
as I have allowed God to heal my heart, I increasingly feel His heart for His world and His people even more intensely. My capacity for loving Him and His creation only increases. There are times that I know that God is speaking simply because mid-sentence I begin to cry. Sometimes itʼs accompanied by deep emotion. Sometimes I understand why. Other times I don’t. And then there are those times when I feel completely unmoved and yet as I speak I become aware of a tear tracking down my cheeks. That gets my attention. Itʼs weird I know…
as for manipulating others…I’m the girl who regularly stopped to ponder while studying her marketing degree, because it often felt like advertising and sales verged too closely to manipulation for my liking!
When I ask God what He says about all this, He says that...
I am a crazy, passionate and focussed laid down God lover.
He made me to be highly sensitive to the wind of His Spirit.
I am strong and courageous; brave and bold and I inspire my tribe to keep chasing after vulnerability and transparency; integrity and true belonging.
I was created to reveal the heart of God. If I am willing to be open with people and share with them what God allows me to feel and see and hear and know, we get to perceive and encounter God together.
I am not to despise the gift He has hand selected for me. I am not even to just accept this gift light-heartedly or with resignation. God implores me to embrace who He says I am and to run the race set before me in a manner worthy of the call.
As I laugh with my family today, I feel so grateful for the path that has lead me to this place. I am thankful for the grace and favour that we are enjoying as we step into all that God has for us in this new season of our lives. I throw my head back and laugh with wild abandon and I remember the words of Brene Brown:
“The only universal language I know of that wraps up joy and gratitude and love is laughter.”
I am conscious that as I laugh, I am actively sharing with my family and the world around me, that the joy of the Lord has become my strength. I pause to ponder and pray.
What story is your laughter telling you today?
My laughter tells me winter is past and the time of singing has come. I can see the trees in blossom, and the fruit is budding. I can hear the birds singing. I can feel the ground sprouting with new life. I can see that I am not the only one walking out of winter into spring and onto summer. I can hear the season of harvest that is now upon us… I hear our Bridegroom calling. How will we respond?
10 My beloved speaks and says to me:
“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away,
11 for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone.
12 The flowers appear on the earth,
the time of singing has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
13 The fig tree ripens its figs,
and the vines are in blossom;
they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away.
14 O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
in the crannies of the cliff,
let me see your face,
let me hear your voice,
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.
15 Catch the foxes for us,
the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
for our vineyards are in blossom.”Song of Songs 2:10-15 | English Standard Version
God is calling us deeper. God is calling us into His purposes and plans. Will you follow Him?
I am taking this moment to listen again to the story my good, good Father has been writing over my life since before I was born.
I rest with my Bridegroom as we delight ourselves in each other. His love song echos all around me and I know that I am home…
I am clothed in strength, dignity and beauty, with nothing to fear I laugh and look forward to the future with joy!
Proverbs 31:25 | From The Voice, Wycliffe Bible, New Living Translation and Expanded Bible